You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Six months ago my daughter’s hair hung just below her shoulders. But massive breakage left her with not much to show for it. To protect what was left and camouflage the damage, I put her in braids. She liked them until someone teased her for wearing extensions, and passed the pressure on to me to remove them.
Had she not looked so cute in them, I would have understood her despair. But I was paying a hairdresser to create age-appropriate styles for her, and the look was very becoming. It didn’t matter that others agreed. The compliments weren’t coming from those she was trying to please. I could only conclude she would rather look crazy without the braids than suffer the disapproval of her friends. I took them out, and a week later put them back in. By then she was ready to wear them.
It would have been nice if my daughter had never suffered the breakage and was able to wear her own hair, like her friends were able to. But life happens, and she has learned, in the words of Mic Jagger, that “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try…you get what you need.” She has also learned that, while what others think might matter, what she thinks of herself matters more. Her hair, by the way, is thick and healthy again. And, yes, at least for now, she is still wearing the braids.
March 30th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
How fortunate that you are helping to guide your daughter through the issues of life that will continue to challenge her. The fact that “You can’t always get what you want” is one of the recurring themes of our existence! The ability to process that fact can make all the difference in the world between a happy life and an unhappy life. Glad she’s back in the braids!
March 30th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Karen,
What great advice! I totally agree that even if you can’t always get what you want, it is improtant to get what you need and equally important to use what you get to your advantage. You gave your daughter the braids and in so doing, armed her with confidence that was quickly taken away by her peers. The lesson she learned is that it was more important for her to like them than those whose opinions don’t matter in the long run.
I would love to see a picture of her – if she is anything like her mother, I know she is beautiful inside and out.
Have a great day,
Heidi Richards Mooney, Author, Entrepreneur, Business Coach
March 31st, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Debra
This post could have easily been named “Good Things Come to Those Who Wait”. Our microwave society has conditioned us to want everything right now. Too often mention of the sacrifices involved in getting us what we want are neglected.
Although I know she would rather have worn her hair, it had not been able to sustain the stress that had been put on it from her summer activities (namely swimming) and probable over-processing. It needed extra care and relief from that stress to grow back. The braids allowed her hair to rest and gave her a presentable look while she waited.
It just so happens she had a hair appointment today to unveil it. She hasn’t stopped swinging her hair since we left the hairdresser. I doubt she’d be doing that if we hadn’t given her hair time to grow.
March 31st, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Heidi
I did feel her pain. She was used to having length on her hair. I’m sure it was not a good feeling to not be able to wear her hair down or comb it into a pony tail like everyone else was starting to do. Nevertheless, sometimes you’ve got to use what you’ve got to get what you want. I also want her to walk to her own drum beat and not be a cow in the herd. I needed her to have a “I may not be able to wear that hairstyle, but I can rock these braids” attitude and feel that confidence so deeply that they will want to wear braids like her. She is learning how to hold her own.
April 1st, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Your daughter is lucky indeed to have a mom so wise in the ways of the world. You supported her in giving her exactly what she needed at the time. She’s learned a valuable lesson and I’m so glad to know that she realizes that, although other people’s opinions are important, it’s most important to be true to herself.
April 2nd, 2009 at 8:43 am
This was such a nice post, thanks for sharing it with us.
We have all experienced awkward stages in life as young women, and this is one more example of how tough it can be, but she made it through the other side AND with her hair reaping the rewards!!
I LOVE braids, and remember in 4th class not having the length to have anything done with my short curly ‘do’….I was compensated in other ways but we don’t always realise this at the time?
Yep, what was ‘needed’, saved your girl further heartache while proving this IS all that matters- if we were to get everything we ‘wanted’, what surprises or blessinsg would we miss?????
Swing that hair baby!
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 pm
What a wonderful way to teach to love thyself no matter what others think of you. I have been rocking braids for a long time and love it very much. A short hair doo would have probably been nice as well and again someone would have tease her still. People are so cruel and unkind these days and when they say something bad about you then you know you are doing it right and they just want to get in on it but don’t know how to ask are afraid to.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Denise
I considered the short doo option, but decided against it because her edges were so short all the way around her head that a TWA (teeny weeny afro) or a wave would have been about the only things that would have worked. But deep down I knew she wanted her hair back, and that’s why I opted for the braids.
You are so right when you speak of how cruel people can be. And kids seem to be the worst. Although there’s nothing I can do about that, I can at least help her to be her personal best, hopefully minimizing some of that, and be confidence in that.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Debbie and Eileen
Thanks for the inspiring words. I sure do appreciate that.
April 11th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
That is what mom’s are for. To give the wisdom and guidance that you will always provide.
Thanks for this post
November 1st, 2009 at 10:23 am
Funny thing about advice from moms is that good or bad it is always remembered. You are so good to instill confidence and wisdom in her now. What a great gift she will always remember.
Also tell her what I used to tell folks with my extensions “I brought them so I own them, they ARE mine!”
Those same folks will not be with you when you need them but moms hang in there unconditionally!
November 1st, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Amen for unconditional mommy love.
May 20th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
Funny thing about advice from moms is that good or bad it is always remembered. You are so good to instill confidence and wisdom in her now. What a great gift she will always remember.
Also tell her what I used to tell folks with my extensions “I brought them so I own them, they ARE mine!”
Those same folks will not be with you when you need them but moms hang in there unconditionally!
May 25th, 2010 at 8:41 pm
Bruce
My daughter is out of the braids now, but, hopefully, she will be proud to represent should she wear them again.